Written on: Oct 13, 2012

It has been four years, but I still can’t forget that night of horror—when I landed in Mumbai with my backpack to start a new life full of dreams, full of aspirations, and full of my new formal clothes. As the sea of humans swept past me… I felt a sense of weightlessness… yes, the human tsunami had taken my dreams, my aspirations, and my airbag along with it!

This often reminds me of the Sanskrit tagline: “Athithi Devo Bhava!” or “Guest is God.” It’s the slogan of the Tourism Department of India. Excellent tag! But we’ve beaten this tagline black and blue—and reversed the last word ‘G’ ‘O’ ‘D’ to ‘D’ ‘O’ ‘G’, taking the sentence quite literally.

Times have changed. There was a time when every home had boards saying, “Welcome,” “Athithi Devo Bhava,” or “Guest is God.” But nowadays, the slogans have changed to: “Stick No Bills,” “No Admission Without Permission,” and best of all—“Beware of Dogs.”

Let me now take you on a journey through the main artery of India… The Golden Quadrangle! Starting from Mumbai… If you’re traveling in Mumbai, you can end up in only two places: either in a local train or under it. While either method qualifies as third-degree self-torture, traveling in the train might just be more painful. And if you’ve ever dreamed of jumping like Spiderman, you’ll get your chance while getting in or out of a train. Right from the platform, you’ll be dribbled like a football before you land inside.

Taking the Golden Quadrangle route, when you reach Bangalore, don’t worry if you’re tired. The traffic here will give you a complete chance to sleep in your car. You can easily nap for hours and wake up to find you’re still at the same signal. And yes, if you have a flight to catch next week, you should probably leave now before it’s too late. 90% of the city is one-way, and if you need to take a U-turn, you might have to go all the way to Chennai just to find a break in the divider.

When you reach Chennai, make sure you carry a briefcase full of money—you’ll need it to pay the auto fare. The fares are so overpriced that you might feel motivated to ask, “Boss, why don’t you accept credit card or cheque? It’s really difficult to carry this much cash.” If you ask an auto driver to take you just two kilometers away, he’ll make a face as if you’ve asked for one of his kidneys. And when he tells you the price, you’ll start to wonder if you’re actually buying a kidney.

Next, the Golden Quadrangle takes you to the city of joy—Kolkata. But believe me, your joy will vanish into the smoke as soon as you enter. The percentage of smokers there seems to be 100%—50% active, and the rest passive.

As you continue the journey, Shah Jahan’s symbol of love—the Taj Mahal—might tempt you. But good luck finding it! To see the Taj, you’ll have to win a treasure hunt. Romance may be found in Rome, because here travelers are left searching for the Taj Mahal in the bylanes of paan-stained streets. No wonder it’s a wonder—it’s hiding!

If you head toward our national capital, be cautious—you never know how easily you might lose your capital. If you’re not careful, people might sell you Lal Qila, Qutub Minar, or even the President’s House for the price of a plate of Delhi Chaat. And then you might go on to send a legal notice to the President to vacate the house! In all these places, by the time we realize what’s happening, our body is already unscrewed and dismantled—one eye, one lung, one pancreas, one kidney auctioned in Dubai.

Wherever we go, we can’t avoid being victims of tourist stalkers. But deep down, we all feel there should be some change. Everyone is looking for change—bus conductors, auto drivers, shopkeepers—all they want is change. But this change can’t be issued by the RBI. It can only be issued by a very special person.

And as I finish this article, just keep guessing who that person is. To know the answer, just close your eyes and ask yourself, “Can I bring in the change?” You’ll know the answer.

Last modified on 2012-10-13